You like me! You really like me!

I was nominated by Michelle at http://tobabyandbeyond.blogspot.com/ for the Honest scrap award.

I would like to say thank you, it means a lot that someone is out there listening.

Here are the rules!

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself

So here are 10 honest things about myself.

1) Somewhere over the past year, my plans for the future have gotten off track.

2) Although Charli was not planned, she has changed my priorities.

3) I have no idea what I will do if I do not have a baby and I mean soon.

4) I am hooked on Bejeweled Blitz

5) Along with pasta, my new favorite food is the frozen green beans made by The Joy of Cooking. I could eat both everyday.

6) I am a total nerd and I love it.

7) My new guide to life is "Daily Afflictions: the agony of being connected to everything in the universe" by Andrew Boyd.

8) I seriously heart Robert Deniro.

9) I believe my gyno hates me because I am the worst at pelvic exams.

10) I love movies. I have over 250 DVDs in my collection. I will have a lot more when I'm not a broke student.

Ok, I'm supposed to post seven blogs but I don't follow that many. I also believe the ones that I do follow have already been nominated, so I'm skipping that step. Sorry.

It's Been One Month: Part Three

I'm finally drawing up the physical and emotional strength to finish tell the story of Charli's life and death.

After the accident I went to the hospital and the doctor and everything checked out ok. I was so happy that the accident wasn't worse because I was finally beginning to feel like a mother. However, starting Friday night I began to have severe back and abdominal pain. I was having sharp stabbing pains in my back. Around my abdomen, I was having pains like I had pulled a muscle. I contacted my doctor and he said that would be normal considering the accident and to take Tylenol for the pain every 6 hours. The first few days I tried just taking the Tylenol as needed for severe pain, but it wasn't working. The pain was so bad I really only got up to eat and use the restroom. I was dying to use my heating pad to ease the pain, but the pregnancy book said that I couldn't use it. The only slight relief that I had was from taking a hot shower, but what is twenty minutes out of 24 hours of pain. On Monday, I finally decided to just take it every 6 hours like I was instructed despite how much I wanted to limit the amount of drugs I put in my body. It took until Wednesday night for the medication to really ease my pain. On Thursday, I was feeling well enough to go back to school but right before my second class I began spotting. I left school and went to the doctor's office where he told me that everything was fine. I got to hear her heartbeat and I left his office again feeling grateful that nothing was wrong. I began to think maybe I'm just being paranoid and I shouldn't be concerned about every little thing that doesn't seem normal. However, the next day I was in a great deal of pain again and had to stay in bed all day. That would be the last day that I got to spend with Charli at home.

To be continued.....

In 6 weeks...

Well, I met with my doctor today and I need to have surgery. I thought it was going to be another DNC, but this is going to be a major surgery. He is actually going to cut me open. Personally, I'm not sure if I want to go through with it, but he said it would reduce the chance of another miscarriage. Also, the pregnancy seems to have triggered this condition again so in order not to almost bleed to death I don't have much choice. However, hearing all of that wasn't the worse part of the visit. This was my first doctor's visit since we lost Charli and it was so hard to be around all those pregnant women. I was surrounded by four women exchanging ultrasound photos and pregnancy stories while I waited to be called. I almost started crying right in front of them. Then once I met with the doctor and nurse I had to go over what happened since the on-call doctor delivered her. I was so happy to get out of there and into bed. Although, I have been finding it rather hard to sleep when every three hours I begin losing vast amounts of blood. It's funny(in a sad way) but I have to sleep with those elderly incontinence pads. Despite all of this, I am holding out hope that tomorrow will be better. I have a prescription to slow the bleeding and a positive outlook.

More Good News

Well, I wanted to continue with the Charli's story, but I'm too weak at this point. I have been losing an excessive amount of blood these past two days. I don't have a lot of energy to anything other than sleep. I have an appointment with the doctor in the morning unless I have to go to the emergency room tonight. I hoping that the bleeding can be stopped with medication and without surgery. I had to go through this a little over two years ago and it wasn't pleasant. I'm glad that I was able to recognize the symptoms before I started passing out from hemorrhaging like the last time. I guess tonight in my prayers I will add for a pleasant experience at the doctor's office.

It's Been One Month?: Part Two

Preface: On January 21, 2009, I had my first ultrasound which actually showed me the sex of the baby. I saw my daughter for the first time and she was beautiful. The doctor told me that all of the tests for diseases came back normal, which was a huge relief for me. I had no idea that I was pregnant so I hadn't been taking the vitamins at first. All the weeks of worry were finally over. Also at five months, I felt that I could finally get comfortable about having this baby. I didn't want to get too attached to the idea of having a baby because I might have a miscarriage. However, at five and half months I felt that I could start feeling happy about this baby. We even went out and bought her a few things. When I think about it now, I wonder if I jinxed my own baby.

On January 22, 2009, I was on my way home after leaving my Spanish class. I was dying to get in bed to watch "Snapped", my Thursday night ritual. As I was heading home, I saw the traffic light ahead of me turn yellow and I was faced with the age old decision to gun it or slow down. I remember clearly thinking I should do the responsible thing for my baby and slow down since I had plenty of time to do so. I came to a full stop at the light when about five to ten seconds later I was hit violently. The seat belt forced me back hard against the seat and the jolt back made me hit my head against the headrest. I was so startled by this that I drove through the red light thinking that somehow it was my fault because I was supposed to keep going. Lucky, for me there was a firetruck coming so it stop the traffic otherwise I would have been hit again. I guess the sirens brought me back from my daze and I pulled over into a BP. I called my best friend to let her know what happen and that I thought the other driver left the scene (she didn't, she was at the light I should have stopped at). She told me to go inside to call the police so I could file a report. The clerk was kind enough to do that for me and I went back to my car to wait for the police. As I walked back to the car something felt wrong, but since the gas station didn't have any bathrooms (or at least ones that I would want to use) I had to check for blood with a napkin in my car. There was no trace of blood so I felt a little better. Soon after, the lady that hit me pulled in and admitted that the accident was her fault. She said that she thought that I was going to go through the light. We didn't have to wait long for the police, because the police station was only a block away. The officer asked if anyone needed medical attention and I said no since there was no blood or pain at the time. However, as the officer was writing up the report I began to start feeling some pain in my abdomen. It was a sharp pain but I couldn't tell if it was that lovely pregnant gas pain or a result from the car accident so I waited it out. My friends were on their way up to meet me so I decided to see what they would say about it. Once the officer was through, my friends and I decided I should go to the hospital anyway even though the doctor(whom I also called for an opinion) said I would be fine. After hours at the hospital the pain had left and everything checked out except my blood pressure which was high. The nurse told me that she spoke with my doctor and he said to just come in the next day to evaluate my blood pressure. I followed his orders and went in the following day. My blood pressure was back to normal and everything with the baby seemed fine. I left his office feeling blessed that things didn't turn out worse.

To be continued.....

It's Been One Month?: Part One

Yesterday marked the one month anniversary of when I lost Charli. I can't believe that it has been a month, it seems like it was just yesterday. I always reply the whole situation over and over in my mind, but yesterday I couldn't escape that day to save my life. To make things worse, yesterday was almost an exact replication of that afternoon. All day at work I wanted to scream or cry. I was filled with anxiety and I just wanted to escape. Somehow I'm going to have to get it together by Monday, because that's when I go back to work. I'm dropping this semester because I am not able to concentrate. This is so not the way that I wanted this to go, but what can you do. I feel like my I.Q. has gone down 60 points. I wish that I could just finish this semester, because I didn't want to lose a baby and a semester this year. However, I almost had a mental breakdown from the stress of midterms and after talking with my therapist I decided this is the best course of action for me right now.

So at this point in the game lets see what I've gained or lost in this past month:

1) Grief and anxiety from the loss of my first child
2) Back pain(my back had not been the same since the accident)
3) Loss of a dream
4) Lost a semester
5) Loss of sleep
6) Gained a new relationship with God
7) Heartache for my child
8) A new sense of love
9) The joy of still bleeding from the miscarriage(wtf it's been four weeks)

Anyway, my next series of posts will be a detailed account of the days surrounding Charli's death. I don't want to do it as one post cause it will take a while. Until tomorrow.

To Charli: I miss you so much. I miss everyday that we could not be together. I'm sorry I didn't get to hold you or kiss you while you were alive. I wish I could have known what it would feel like to hug you, to see you smile, and to hear you laugh. I pray to God that you have lots of baby friends to hang out with in heaven and maybe you will see my Nana. If you see her, she will take good care of you. I send out my love to you through prayer every night, I hope that you can feel it. I will love you "forever or longer".

And it Goes a Little Something Like This...

I am freaking the hell out in my head. There I said it. Underneath this tranquil exterior lies a tragedy. I can't focus or write anything. I can't even keep track of the days. Days are now measured in weeks since I lost Charli. This Saturday will be a month, feels like it was yesterday. It takes forever to fall asleep, only to have dreams about being childless. I have this simple two page paper due tomorrow, well today, and I've written one sentence. I feel like I'm about to just break down and scream for help, but everyone loves the way that I am now. They're just thrilled with my speedy recovery from this heartbreak, even though it's a total act. I can't even believe they're buying it. Who just wakes up one day and say "I'm over the loss of my child?" I don't know anyone, but that is what all my friends and family think. They actually seemed relieved that they don't have to check on me and can go about they're normal lives. I guess nothing has really changed for them. However, for me everything has changed. My goals, priorities, needs, and wants. I haven't really cried in days but today I almost broke down in frustration. I'm so deep into this role now; I don't know if I can be honest with my therapist at grief counseling. I'm only honest with her and here now. Just now, while writing this I began to cry and I felt a sense of relief. I was beginning to think that I turned myself into a robot unable to cry for her daughter. I know I've said this before, but I just don't know what to do. I don't. I guess just take it one day, hour, or minute at a time. Whatever it takes.