And it Goes a Little Something Like This...

I am freaking the hell out in my head. There I said it. Underneath this tranquil exterior lies a tragedy. I can't focus or write anything. I can't even keep track of the days. Days are now measured in weeks since I lost Charli. This Saturday will be a month, feels like it was yesterday. It takes forever to fall asleep, only to have dreams about being childless. I have this simple two page paper due tomorrow, well today, and I've written one sentence. I feel like I'm about to just break down and scream for help, but everyone loves the way that I am now. They're just thrilled with my speedy recovery from this heartbreak, even though it's a total act. I can't even believe they're buying it. Who just wakes up one day and say "I'm over the loss of my child?" I don't know anyone, but that is what all my friends and family think. They actually seemed relieved that they don't have to check on me and can go about they're normal lives. I guess nothing has really changed for them. However, for me everything has changed. My goals, priorities, needs, and wants. I haven't really cried in days but today I almost broke down in frustration. I'm so deep into this role now; I don't know if I can be honest with my therapist at grief counseling. I'm only honest with her and here now. Just now, while writing this I began to cry and I felt a sense of relief. I was beginning to think that I turned myself into a robot unable to cry for her daughter. I know I've said this before, but I just don't know what to do. I don't. I guess just take it one day, hour, or minute at a time. Whatever it takes.

Nothing to Say But...

I have been consumed by my "I'm ok with my loss" performance. Yesterday was the memorial for Charli and it wasn't at all like I imagined it would be. In my mind it would be a sweet and tearful service, where I would let my baby know how much I loved her. Instead, the memorial turned out to be a private social gathering with my closest friends and some family members. This was partly my fault because as soon as people came over I just reverted into the role I've been playing for the last few days. I was telling jokes and walking down memory lane, while inside I wanted to scream this day is supposed to be about my baby. The day really made me realize that other people didn't see her as a real person the way I did. Charli was an idea they had in their mind. They may have loved the idea of her, but it still was only an idea. Charli was a beautiful baby that I read to, talked to, and played music for. I thought that she had attitude and a good sense of humor. I remember how she use to kick me to remind me that we were both hungry. She was real to me and I couldn't wait to meet her. Don't get me wrong, I was glad I got to spend time with my friends and family. Although the day didn't go as planned, I'm glad that Charli had the chance to see (from heaven of course) the people who would have loved her smile and laugh. She would have loved them and she would have laughed a lot. However, it became clear to me that my friends were there to support me and not Charli. I know how lucky I am to have that, but I wanted the day to be for Charli. At the end of the day, I still felt alone because the others did not understand what I really wanted the day to be about.

So not ready for this

Well tomorrow is Charli's memorial service. My closest friends and some family members will be coming over to do a balloon release. I know a balloon release is bad for the earth but I figured just this once can't hurt that bad. I can't believe this is happening. This is really happening. I'm cleaning the house, picking out the music, and gathering the few things we had bought her but I'm in pain. I miss my baby girl.

Charli I miss you but tomorrow is a celebration of your short life and your journey to God. I pray everynight that you are happy and I will continue to do so as long as I live.

And the Award Goes to....

Well, I am doing a wonderful job of performing the role of "I'm fine now, even though my baby just died". The reviews are in and everyone says I'm back to my old self. I'm telling the funny jokes, being witty, and back to performing my daily tasks. I'm even going to my friend's birthday party tomorrow night. Of course, I feel like I'm going to scream at the top of my lungs fifteen times a day. Actually, I tried that the other day and it did nothing for me. My boxing set that I got for Christmas just arrived so maybe I can take my pain out on that.

On another note, I've been thinking about a painting by Frida Kahlo a lot, "Henry Ford Hospital 1932". It was a painting she did after she lost her child. The painting is very disturbing but now when I look at it I understand her pain more. http://www.metrolasvegas.com/admyral/images/Frida%20Kahlo%20henry%20ford%20hospital%201932.jpg

Act as if

So I'm starting to realize that my friends do not understand what I'm going through. So I just decided to keep my mouth shut and act as if I'm over my baby's death. I can express myself here and in my grief therapy. This is so hard to go through when your friends don't even have kids. They can't relate.

Panic sets in

The panic attacks are getting worse. When I'm confronted by a flood of emotions I begin to panic. Loss, fear, rage, and confusion consume me now. Along with it come loss of breath, dry heaves, a flood of tears, or complete mental and physical shutdown. I just don't know what to do. The only thing I know is to continue to love Charli.

Can't Escape It

So now I'm learning that you cannot escape the idea of babies. I've never noticed it before but babies and pregnant women are EVERYWHERE! Yesterday in class this pregnant girl was sitting next to me about as far along as I would be now. She was doing the same thing that I used to do in Brit Lit, which is write my baby's name over and over again. Watching her do that hurt me a lot. I don't know how many times I can say it, but I miss my baby girl. I look at other pregnant women and I wonder why did this happen to her? Why is she not here? She deserved a chance at life. Charli if it was in my control I would do anything to bring you back. I love you. I always will.

Where is she?

It's been two weeks and one day since we lost Charli. I'm not a very religious person but we've been praying every night since she died. At times I wonder where she is. Is she in heaven? Was she born too early to go to heaven, even though she looked like person? I know that we love her and I pray everyday that God will let her know that and take care of her. I've never been overly concerned about my own soul, even though I try to be a good person. All I care about is that my baby is ok and happy. I just image that she is happy in heaven even though it might not be true. It's the only way that I can get through this grief.