Nothing to Say But...

I have been consumed by my "I'm ok with my loss" performance. Yesterday was the memorial for Charli and it wasn't at all like I imagined it would be. In my mind it would be a sweet and tearful service, where I would let my baby know how much I loved her. Instead, the memorial turned out to be a private social gathering with my closest friends and some family members. This was partly my fault because as soon as people came over I just reverted into the role I've been playing for the last few days. I was telling jokes and walking down memory lane, while inside I wanted to scream this day is supposed to be about my baby. The day really made me realize that other people didn't see her as a real person the way I did. Charli was an idea they had in their mind. They may have loved the idea of her, but it still was only an idea. Charli was a beautiful baby that I read to, talked to, and played music for. I thought that she had attitude and a good sense of humor. I remember how she use to kick me to remind me that we were both hungry. She was real to me and I couldn't wait to meet her. Don't get me wrong, I was glad I got to spend time with my friends and family. Although the day didn't go as planned, I'm glad that Charli had the chance to see (from heaven of course) the people who would have loved her smile and laugh. She would have loved them and she would have laughed a lot. However, it became clear to me that my friends were there to support me and not Charli. I know how lucky I am to have that, but I wanted the day to be for Charli. At the end of the day, I still felt alone because the others did not understand what I really wanted the day to be about.