And it Goes a Little Something Like This...

I am freaking the hell out in my head. There I said it. Underneath this tranquil exterior lies a tragedy. I can't focus or write anything. I can't even keep track of the days. Days are now measured in weeks since I lost Charli. This Saturday will be a month, feels like it was yesterday. It takes forever to fall asleep, only to have dreams about being childless. I have this simple two page paper due tomorrow, well today, and I've written one sentence. I feel like I'm about to just break down and scream for help, but everyone loves the way that I am now. They're just thrilled with my speedy recovery from this heartbreak, even though it's a total act. I can't even believe they're buying it. Who just wakes up one day and say "I'm over the loss of my child?" I don't know anyone, but that is what all my friends and family think. They actually seemed relieved that they don't have to check on me and can go about they're normal lives. I guess nothing has really changed for them. However, for me everything has changed. My goals, priorities, needs, and wants. I haven't really cried in days but today I almost broke down in frustration. I'm so deep into this role now; I don't know if I can be honest with my therapist at grief counseling. I'm only honest with her and here now. Just now, while writing this I began to cry and I felt a sense of relief. I was beginning to think that I turned myself into a robot unable to cry for her daughter. I know I've said this before, but I just don't know what to do. I don't. I guess just take it one day, hour, or minute at a time. Whatever it takes.