It's Been One Month?: Part One

Yesterday marked the one month anniversary of when I lost Charli. I can't believe that it has been a month, it seems like it was just yesterday. I always reply the whole situation over and over in my mind, but yesterday I couldn't escape that day to save my life. To make things worse, yesterday was almost an exact replication of that afternoon. All day at work I wanted to scream or cry. I was filled with anxiety and I just wanted to escape. Somehow I'm going to have to get it together by Monday, because that's when I go back to work. I'm dropping this semester because I am not able to concentrate. This is so not the way that I wanted this to go, but what can you do. I feel like my I.Q. has gone down 60 points. I wish that I could just finish this semester, because I didn't want to lose a baby and a semester this year. However, I almost had a mental breakdown from the stress of midterms and after talking with my therapist I decided this is the best course of action for me right now.

So at this point in the game lets see what I've gained or lost in this past month:

1) Grief and anxiety from the loss of my first child
2) Back pain(my back had not been the same since the accident)
3) Loss of a dream
4) Lost a semester
5) Loss of sleep
6) Gained a new relationship with God
7) Heartache for my child
8) A new sense of love
9) The joy of still bleeding from the miscarriage(wtf it's been four weeks)

Anyway, my next series of posts will be a detailed account of the days surrounding Charli's death. I don't want to do it as one post cause it will take a while. Until tomorrow.

To Charli: I miss you so much. I miss everyday that we could not be together. I'm sorry I didn't get to hold you or kiss you while you were alive. I wish I could have known what it would feel like to hug you, to see you smile, and to hear you laugh. I pray to God that you have lots of baby friends to hang out with in heaven and maybe you will see my Nana. If you see her, she will take good care of you. I send out my love to you through prayer every night, I hope that you can feel it. I will love you "forever or longer".